News has broken that there will be an all-female reboot of “Ocean’s 11.” The remake will be headlined by Sandra Bullock, and produced by her friend George Clooney. For sake of argument, we’ll assume she’s playing the Danny Ocean role (Danielle Ocean?). But who should play everyone else? Let’s break it down.
Rusty Ryan (originally played by Brad Pitt; requirements: be as famous as the lead, eat food in most scenes, be cool).
Should be played by: Scarlett Johansson. ScarJo is a movie star, especially thanks to her appearances in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. She oozes cool, and she even makes the Bible sound raunchy. Bonus points for her Marvel stunt work making me think she would be useful in a heist.
Frank (Francine?) Catton (originally played by Bernie Mac; requirements: comedic relief, potential history as a stand-up).
Should be played by: Sarah Silverman. She could be a great comedic foil, but also has developed some recent gravitas, especially in her guest arc on “Masters of Sex.”
Reuben Tishkoff (originally played by Elliot Gould; requirements: elder statesman, someone who could have spent decades in Vegas)
Should be played by: Helen Mirren. Mostly because Dame Helen Mirren is amazing in everything, and it’d be nice to see her in a non-dramatic role that’s better than “Red.”
Virgil and Turk Malloy (originally played by Casey Affleck and Scott Caan; requirements: comedic relief, bickering sibling vibe)
Should be played by: Zoe Kazan and Anna Kendrick. I think these two actresses are phenomenal, and while Anna Kendrick is probably busy filming “Pitch Perfect 3” and “Into the Woods 2,” she’s also got rapport with producer Clooney from their days as “Up in the Air” co-stars.
Livingston Dell (originally played by Eddie Jemison; requirements: kind of nerdy, awkward, anxious)
Should be played by: Aidy Bryant. Anyone who has seen Aidy Bryant in the recurring SNL sketch “Girlfriends Talk Show” knows she can play awkward and anxious, but also have a bit of righteous indignation. She’d definitely be a loose cannon on the team, but one that’s fun to watch.
The Amazing Yen (originally played by Shabo Qin; requirements: athletic.)
Should be played by: Serena Williams. Rather than having a (physically) tiny character who can do incredible leaps, why not go in the other direction and require a character who has incredible strength? Maybe the crew needs Serena to hit a far away target with a lot of velocity – I’m sure she could figure out a way to get the job done.
Saul Bloom (originally played by Carl Reiner; requirements: someone who’s been in the movies for decades; good at being nervous about the plan)
Should be played by: Marisa Tomei. Marisa Tomei is amazing. George Costanza would love this casting. Also has connections to producer Clooney after playing a reporter in his directorial effort “The Ides of March.”
Basher (originally played by Don Cheadle; requirements: well-known celebrity but does especially well in an ensemble)
Should be played by: Michelle Rodriguez. Let’s be honest: the Fast and the Furious franchise can’t go on forever, and you know you could rely on Michelle Rodriguez’s version of Basher to be an explosives expert and, say, the get-away driver.
Linus Caldwell (originally played by Matt Damon; requirements: the rookie, the newbie, but also a famous face)
Should be played by: Emma Stone. How great (dare I say epic?) would scenes with Emma Stone, Sandra Bullock and ScarJo be?
Terry Benedict (originally played by Andy Garcia; requirements: the bad guy).
Should be played by: Mary-Louise Parker. Because who doesn’t love MLP? And I’ll bet she’d have a ton of fun playing the billionaire who runs three casinos on the strip. This is the power of her “West Wing” character Amy Gardner with the nefarious activity of her “Weeds” character.
Tess Ocean (originally played by Julia Roberts; requirements: good-looking; the love interest).
Should be played by: A cameo-ing George Clooney, to give connective tissue to the original franchise.
Thought about but did not include: Jennifer Lawrence (because she doesn’t need another franchise); Zooey Deschanel; Marion Cotillard; Kristen Wiig; Natalie Portman; Keira Knightley; Kristen Bell; Anna Faris; Reese Witherspoon; Alison Brie; Lizzy Caplan; Allison Janney.
What does everybody else think?