My friends Shannon and Jessica, like me, love nothing more than a good (read: cheesy) Hallmark Christmas movie this time of year. The formula is pretty simple: take one (1) 90s/00s female “star” (ideally from “Full House,” “Party of Five,” “Beverly Hills, 90210” or its reboot, “90210,” or “Saved by the Bell”). Make sure she has a busy and important job: anchorwoman, ad executive, etc. She’ll definitely have no time in her busy schedule for two things: romance, and the magic of the Christmas season. Now find her a gentleman (often by way of Santa) and you’re off. But what makes these movies even better, in my opinion? The titles. Almost always a clever play on words, who basically spoil the plot entirely, these are the best parts of the movies. So, without further ado, I present to you my own, entirely made-up Hallmark Christmas movies. Some of these I think would actually work on the air. If you see one you like, please feel free to email/tweet/facebook/etc. this post to your friends – who knows, maybe this time next year we’ll be watching one of these.
– Don We Now
A girl is nervous about bringing her fiancé home to meet her father – the local mafia boss! Will they learn to get along…on Christmas?
– Silver Bells
Lacey Chabert is a great skier – some might say the best in the world. But when she competes at the not-Olympics (lets say the “World Athletic Competition” or something cheesy like that), she didn’t realize that training would interfere with falling in love with her coach. Winning second place isn’t so bad when you also win the man of your dreams. On Christmas.
– Comet & Cupid
Two astronauts fall in love…on Christmas.
– Boughs of Holly
Holly runs her own garden and plant store, and it isn’t doing well. Her Christmas wish? A few customers, and maybe a boyfriend amirite?
– Holly Jolly Christmas
Holly from “Boughs of Holly” (above) is happy with her boyfriend, but her younger sister sure is struggling now that Holly isn’t around for ladies’ night. Can another magical Christmas wish save Holly’s family?
– Santa Baby
Mary and Joseph have tried everything, and now IVF is their last shot. Will their little miracle arrive, and be born on Christmas? Get ready for a very special present from Santa.
– Silent Night
All Lacey Chabert wants is one night’s peace from her noisy neighbor and his “rock music.” Then one night, she loses her hearing – and truly starts to listen. A Christmas miracle!
– All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth
Dean Cain plays the lovable town dentist. Sadly, his wife passed 10 years ago this Christmas. Even though he dispenses novocaine, he’s been numb for years. Will a Christmas wish finally let him take a bite out of life again?
– Slay Ride
Two teens who speak in “cool” lingo (read: what was cool in 2010) both wish for their first kiss on Christmas. Will the boys they have crushes on kiss them at the mall? Will the girls finally “slay”?
– Jingle Bales
Lonely farmer gets his Christmas wish: love.
– The Ginger Bread House
The Gingers are a family of redhead bakers. One of them falls in love with (gasp) a brunette…on Christmas!
– Five Golden Rings
A woman is given a cellphone and told that her true love will call her in the next 24 hours. Which of the five suitors will be the man of her dreams? And did we mention that phone is given…on Christmas?!